Bringing Fish-Tailed Women Home Strictly Forbidden on Pain of Death

Pravda is performing out of its skin at the moment:

Bringing Fish-Tailed Women Home Strictly Forbidden on Pain of Death

Oh no! Oh no! Under those conditions, how will I avoid death!

Lately dozens of reports come from Israel saying that a mermaid-like creature was seen near the town of Kiryat Yam in the Haifa Bay. Witnesses say that it looks like a young girl with a fish tail. The creature usually appears at sunset, performs various tricks and disappears in the sea.

At sunset, when the low shadows are dancing off the glinting waves? That's when I would perform tricks if I were a mermaid-like creature.

Wait. What's a mermaid-like creature? Anyone who says manatee or dugong is an idiot. The main thing about a mermaid is not that it is half-fish, but that it is half-human. In my opinion, which is a great one, centaurs and harpies are the most mermaid-like creatures there are. Biology note two: mermaids are almost always pictured something like this,

(drink Evian), which is incredibly irritating to me, as a top international biologist. Human physiology being mammalian, they rightly go with a tail that works up and down, rather than side to side, like a fish, but then they go and make it fishy and scaley, rather than whaley. Who are these guys?

The town’s Mayor Office offered 1$ million for the evidence of the creature’s existence. An original photo would be sufficient to receive the money.

Really? Gosh. I want to join the Mayor Office's poker pool.

First sightings of mermaids or mermaid-like creatures appeared a long time ago. In old times people used to say that mermaids enticed strangers to come into the water and drown; that they made people hallucinate; and that mermaids helped those they liked and destroyed those they didn’t like.

Made them hallucinate, you say?

Supposedly, mermaids can be seen on a moonlit night when they play in the water and laugh. They say that some nights mermaids turn into regular young women, get out of the water and dance.

This is what regular young women do, in my experience.

There is a story that one of the residents of the Transdniestr region, while fishing, found a woman with a fish tail on the sand. The woman was approximately 5 feet tall, white, with greenish weed-like hair, a beautiful face and eyes without pupils. The guy took the mermaid to his house where she died shortly. After that the man began experiencing hallucinations.

After that?

The man’s neighbors also saw the dead mermaid in his house. Two days later the fisherman buried her in the woods, and his hallucinations stopped.

Was his memory affected at all?

A few years ago a resident of Saint Petersburg, Florida, found a weird dead creature on a remote beach.

I wondered where that had gone. All I'm saying: brilliant stag night.

The mermaid’s body (the man was convinced it was a mermaid)

Good enough for me

was sold at an online auction for $1,550.

Advertising his lot, the man said that the creature was most likely a link between fish and mammals.

Most likely.

It probably died trapped in toxic seaweed.

Yes, probably it did. This guy should be on CSI.

One of the website visitors mentioned that the monster was simply a sculpture made by an American artist Juan Cabana of a real fish skeleton and fish scales.

Yes, but this was a mention, and the other guy should be on CSI, so I think we know what we all think.

Another evidence of mermaids’ existence was provided by a Russian singer Vyacheslav Yeskov.

This is what Yeskov looks like when he's getting out of a car:

While fishing with his friend in Belarus, Yeskov caught something extremely large. He was expecting to see a big fish but couldn’t drag it out of the water. With the help of his friend he managed to get it out of the water for a second. However, it wasn’t a fish but a half-fish, half-human creature about 5 feet long. The fishermen didn’t get a chance to take a good look at it since they fell out of the boat.

It's a shame that they didn't get a good look.

The issue of mermaids’ existence remains open.

Says you. But what about CSI guy, and the bloke who didn't get a good look?

They might be some unknown creatures that people mistake for mermaids. Maybe sooner or later the puzzle will be solved.

This is how all science proceeds. Pravda is suddenly channelling David Hume.

Now the residents of the Israeli town rush to the beach with their cameras every night in the hope of taking a picture and winning the prize. However, journalists think that the fuss about the phenomenon is only a PR trick designed to attract tourists.

Well I think journalists are only a PR trick designed to attract tourists.