massive yachts! i wipe my feet on massive yachts!

This is because, like Roman Abramovich, I have a luxury submarine instead. Like him, I say, 'If you can find it, you can have it.' You can't find it. I guarantee it.



I have always liked the sound of luxury subs. I like the fact that the owners are secretive about them. And that they have bought luxury subs. Paul Allen, the other guy at Microsoft, bought a yellow one for $12m.

US Submarines built a huge groovemeister called the Phoenix 1000. They describe it thus: 'The initial design was originally executed for a client and now awaits a buyer.' This, we can all see, is the tip of an iceberg of a sad story, like Bambi. Sweetly, US Subs go on to say that it is 'arguably, one of the most significant personal transportation devices of the century.' This is only really arguable if you are a total moron or have a massive luxury submarine on your books that you desperately need to get rid of. It costs, probably, $76m. They've gone up since I bought one. OR HAVE THEY?!!?

(As you'd imagine, the Phoenix 1000 has a smaller sub that attaches to it like a pilot fish. I sometimes feel like this.)